Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
