Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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