it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
