we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
