Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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