Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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