I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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