She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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