I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He? As in you personified your dick?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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