I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
