I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
