I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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