someone get that fucking seahorse.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
