You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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