She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
