When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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