I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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