I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
