Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
