if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
