did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
