at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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