I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
