I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Randomize
