omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
