were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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