I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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