Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
