Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
