What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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