This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
