i always forget guys have bellybuttons
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
