Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
