my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
