Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
