I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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