You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
