so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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