what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
