I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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