fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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