Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
