yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
