I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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