watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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