I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
