I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
