i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
