There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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