I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
