I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
