my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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