Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
